ifeelsodirty

 So we've made it again I guess, yay...

Goals wise, I think i did pretty well though:

Draw every day - I did well doing small reference doodles and then there was inktober, but since then I've not done anything. I think it's improved it pretty well, I'm less likely to think something offends my eyes. Still lots of room for improvement, but tolerable.

Keep on walking - I did it and I think I'm now a "healthy" weight for the first time in my life. Just got to keep it off now.

Write 100k words - so i completed nanowrimo again, but my other stuff wasn't as much. Overall I wrote just under 90k words this year, but over 57k is unedited, which brings me up to a stupid amount of words to edit and rewrite, like over 120k.

Going places - we went to New York, which was exciting but also very scary and I'm not really sure I can say much on the whole thing without just feeling guilt and shame, as per usual.

Another activity - as I said, it was pretty unlikely, I haven't really done anything new.

Try new recipes - yeah... no, this didn’t happen. And the past couple of months I've been eating a bit crappily. Comparatively at least. Calorie wise, it's mostly been fine, but content wise, not so good.

It's been a bit difficult overall, I have a few goals that seem to step on each others toes. I fix on one and then ditch the other ones. I really wish I could work out what I really want to prioritise and find some way of balancing it all. But this year, I think I'm going to stick with a few things:

Draw every day - the small doodles really don't take long, I should be able to restart this and keep it up again, at least until something bigger gets in the way.

Write 100k words - so tantalising, so close to reaching it, this year I should do it, especially if I can do something like the sprints I did in november.

Get through the book pile - I still have a load from last Christmas in the pile and I got another load this Christmas. And then I need to be realisitic in what I want to keep and what I should get rid of.

Save money - I do need to just manage to at least write down my outgoings. Should be easier now that I'm not lending out money any more. And from there it should be easy for me.

I spent 44 euros on chocolates and wine. And only the wine was mine (all 9 euros of it).

Combine that with the seven gift bags that I got asked to lug back to the UK in my suitcase and there really was not much space.

*sigh*

Anyways, I am back from Germany, where I did... not very much to be honest. I was too busy trying to meet the NaNoWriMo deadline and I did it! Hooray. But there was a lot of gingerbread and eis and weihnachtsmarkt and ferris wheels. There was definitely too much pickled herring salad (Why is that a thing?). There was also an awesome vietnamese place between Rosa-Luxemborg U station and Alexanderplatz, on a street mostly made up of vietnamese restaurants. So I've had my fried tofu fix and there was free chocolate rice pudding.

I still don't know why it seems there's a noodle bar on every corner in Berlin. Mystery...

Anyways, with NaNoWriMo been and gone, I am at a loss at what to do. I'm thinking of keeping up with a monthly style challenge, like I've done the previous two months. So I think I'll do both, drawing and writing.

This drawing was done on the plane, so is technically yesterday's drawing and I've written about it.

This is logic I'm sticking to :P

I feel like I'm going through the wringer at the moment, which is stupid because nothing is actually happening to me at the moment.

I'm carrying around a large amount of guilt and regret at the moment, which is really just making everything twice as difficult as it needs to be. I have a hard enough time making decisions as it is, it gets worse when I'm thinking ahead to what I will feel about a decision after, or what other people are going to think.

I definitely regret not going to the 36hr. I was worried that I'd be tired for a week at work preparing for a big audit, then shit happened and I worked through it anyway, so I might as well have gone and enjoyed myself. Ugh.

This is a feeling I get a lot. So when I was faced with a second weekend in a row, already feeling terrible, and Weeza suggested I come stay with her for the weekend, I took it, after twenty minutes of mental "but.. but..." . I now feel guility because that means I didn't say goodbye to my brother before he leaves for uni, and I missed out on drinks with Polly, but I would probably have felt worse if I didn't do this, so I think I'm letting myself go on this one. Hoepfully.

Have made a nest on Weeza's sofa and read books and stuff, so yeah.

Going to LARP tomorrow, not sure if this is a good or bad thing.