ifeelsodirty: (Default)
So 2015 was... I dunno.

On paper, I would say that it was better than 2014, but I really don't feel like that. I feel liek my aversiveness has gotten worse this year. I wish I could say that it's because I don't feel as anxious about the consequences of not doing stuff, but it's more like it's just less useful as motivation. I'm just more likely to freeze up entirely.

This has meant that I have literally had to be dragged into places. I feel very much like I have the brain of a toddler instead of a 25 year old.

In other news, this year I have been diagnosed with low iron stores, low B12 levels and hypothyroidism. This means that I have had 2 months of iron tablets, 6 injections and am now taking tablets daily for the last one. The last one also means that I get a prescription exemption which is nice - I don't know why hypothyroidism is singled out though. I think I've been into the doctors more this year than... ugh, you get the point.

As soon as I'd had the injections (I'd been on the levothyroxine for a couple of months at this point too), I was asked if I felt better. I really don't. Which is a shame, as I was hoping all of this was a symptom of the above, not its own thing.

Anyways, what have I done this year?

I've been on my first work trips and gained a minion at work
Been to Berlin twice to see my Dad
Went to see WTNV again
Drew every day for #inktober
Wrote 50k words for NaNoWriMo

There's probably other things I should say but meh.

I didn't really set any resolutions last year, was kinda working off the ones left from the year before. I'm currently doing the one thing I've been aiming for the last few years and moving out. This does mean that at the moment I am really haemorrhaging money, which makes me feel very uncomfortable, despite it being what I've been saving for. I know that I could have done this a lot cheaper but that requires time and effort which I struggle with at the moment.

So yeah, pretty much the usual wah fest, despite there not being much reason. Nothing changes I guess.
ifeelsodirty: (Default)
I got caught crying at work today. It's especially annoying as it wasn't about anything in particular.

I've been having a lot of embarrassing recollections this week. I think it's due to having to phone insurance company, doctor's and garage to get stuff sorted. My brain's just like: "Oh you're worried you'll say something stupid. Here's everything stupid you've said in your life." That leads into "You know, that was probably really insulting, even if it was a misunderstanding." which ends up at "You're a terrible person." via "You know if you got talked to like that, you'd probably cry, or punch them, most likely both."

I've got most things sorted, so it's settled down again but it's not left me in the best mindset.

Which leads us to today.

First I have a confession to make, I forgot to donate something to Keith's retirement present and have been feeling very guilty about this.

So today was his last day and there was a special lunch and everything. I was feeling very anxious about it. So the other people in the office go ahead to it, and I start to follow, but they don't go into the canteen where I thought it was. So I panic thinking I've gotten mixed up and go back to the office. Then I hear that it's started, but I'm so awkward already that the idea of turning up late is a complete nope.

What sets me off is the realisation that I can't even walk down a fucking corridor without fucking up.

Unfortunately 15 mins later (after a couple of rounds of ok, I think I'm ok now... why am I so pathetic wah) someone does come in to see where I am.

Urgh.

One day I'll get the whole appropriate response thing sorted.
ifeelsodirty: (Default)
Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurgh.

That's probably now on two lines due to LJ formatting, but yeah.

Urgh.

I don't even know what the problem is, to be honest. Everything? Nothing? Something in between?

Struggled to give a damn about Christmas, but I think I got there eventually. Been up and down about everything else since. Made sure I sorted birthday presents for the mother and step-father, although mum's was a closer run thing than I thought. And then I totally forgot about the bag of mini-presents that were supposed to be stocking fillers but never made it, so actually I could have given them some other little things. *sigh*

But yeah, I keep failing at those little things. And the big things.

I need to wash the car. I should get a haircut, nope, I need to. I need to book plane tickets, actually first I need to ask Andy if he wants to come to Berlin in such a way that is both vague and casual yet an actual question needing a definite answer. I need to wash the car. I need to book an eye appointment. I need to decide which optician to use. The car is due a service. I need to wash the car. I need to send a parcel to dad. I need to sign up for LARP games. I need to decide what I'm doing about said LARP games. I need to visit Gran. I need to be a better human being with actual appropriate emotional responses. I need to wash the car.

Kinda waiting for the frustration to take hold and kick me into gear, but it's not doing anything at the moment. Or decides to pick other stuff to do.

Did a lot of nice cooking last week. Well for me that is. (Effectively amounts to one traybake meal and a shepherd's pie) Ate the leftovers this week. Ordered Chinese last night for aforementioned birthday.

Yay food.

So food and money, parts of my life I have little problem with. Everything else is a nice gordian knot I'm trying to chew through. Although actually, I'm pretty sure this was on the list. So that's something.
ifeelsodirty: (Default)

Right, so I’m breaking the cardinal rules of the internet and everything here... probably.

 

Wangst and things. )

 

ifeelsodirty: (Default)
I apologise for the lousy handwriting, spelling mistakes and the wangst. Oh the wangst.
Fairly picture heavy - look out! )
ifeelsodirty: (Mini Ishida)
So I was asked today, "What are you doing with your last day as a teenager?"

It turns out that I'm cooking tea, while my mum is down the pub, drinking with the money I lent her...

*sigh*

I've totally wasted my teenage years.

Ah well. Apparently all I have to do is reach middle age and then I can act like one again.

(Also, considering the kinds of rants I've been tempted to put on here - even though the only answer is MTFU - I've suprised myself with my restraint)

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