ifeelsodirty: (Default)
[personal profile] ifeelsodirty

Right, so I’m breaking the cardinal rules of the internet and everything here... probably.

 

I thought I was getting better, I thought I was starting to enjoy LARPing again, but last Sunday was just a giant frikkin’ snake straight back to square one.

I’m not really sure what happened. I’ve come to the conclusion it was several out of character things.

Firstly, I don’t deal well to being outside a group. I’m perfectly fine being alone if I’m meant to, but if I’ve been separated, I take it badly. Some of you may know that because I’m a bit rubbish at role-playing, this got integrated into Lilium’s character. However, since then, she’s gotten more willpower. I haven’t.

Secondly, I was an idiot. I forgot the layout and did something I shouldn’t. Being stupid upsets me.

Lastly, I wanted to do something. I wanted to ask the gm if I could do a whole list of things, but I needed to talk to the GM who was way off with the party, not the one who was close and playing an NPC, basically resulting in the choice of doing nothing or death. Another thing that gets me is futility and helplessness. One of the  last big cries I had before I started anti-depressants basically involved me rocking back and forth for a few hours going  “It’s not going to work, nothing is ever going to work.” I think this took me back to that.

I haven’t cried for two and a half months, since I started antidepressants. Sunday’s game seems to have just wiped that out completely, and I’m struggling with my mood again. Just thinking about it sets me off... This may make it more upsetting than my mum’s attempted suicide or the fact that I’m trying to live on £295 a month and whatever I can get.

Up until the moment I got feared away, I enjoyed the game. I felt I role-played well and I had a lot of fun with some of it (although a little worried I’ve done something wrong as none of the NPCs in the talking encounters seemed to like me).

To those who were worried that some of the banter caused it, I didn’t hear any banter, although I’m sure it was pretty funny really. It’s most definitely not because of that.

Maybe next time I should just stick to my guns when it comes to not wanting to play games. It may mean I never play games, but at least then I’m not ruining it like this.

I hope I’ll be ok for the 36hr, especially as I have an NPC brief.

 

Date: 2011-06-02 07:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cheekychipmunk.livejournal.com
*hugs* if you want to talk about it this evening, we can make sure there will be safety nets in place. I feel justified in saying I know some of what you're going through, and hopefully I/we can help

Date: 2011-06-02 11:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cheekychipmunk.livejournal.com
Also, as has already been said, really no apology needed

Date: 2011-06-02 07:38 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] magicaddict.livejournal.com
I'm sorry things conspired in the way they did.

I barely know you outside of LARP, so I may not be the best sort of person to talk to, but if you think it could be any help, I'm very willing to try. If conversation helps, I'm sure you've got a lot more similarly willing outlets as well.

If it helps, I don't think you're even remotely rubbish at roleplay.

Date: 2011-06-02 07:39 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] magicaddict.livejournal.com
Also, having just read the title, you really have nothing to apologise for.

Date: 2011-06-02 08:27 am (UTC)
xanthipe: (Default)
From: [personal profile] xanthipe
First off, no reason to apologise - the whole point of these journal thingys is so that when you have a need to get things off your chest, good or bad, you can.

I know exactly what you mean for all three of those and confess that it would probably have gotten me to much the same state; I have much the same sort of reactions, and can thoroughly sympathise. The only thing I'd say for next time is that a GM is a GM first; if not actively in the middle of a fight or shouting match, there's no reason why you can't come over ooc and talk to them, even if it means waiting for a minute so they can wrap other talk up.

You're not ruining things by a long shot, and I hope that you do reach a point where you feel you can come and play again, as I've always enjoyed interacting with your characters as well as talking to you, and despite what you think you're not rubbish at roleplay in the slightest.

If you want to talk, just poke me, k? Be it msn, pub, or a lunch time thing.

(And you hadn't done anything wrong, it's just that a lot of the NPCs were utter bastards.)

Date: 2011-06-02 09:16 am (UTC)
xanthipe: (Default)
From: [personal profile] xanthipe
And, because I'm being slow, no need to apologise for Sunday neither.

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