Right, so I’m breaking the cardinal rules of the internet and everything here... probably.
I thought I was getting better, I thought I was starting to enjoy LARPing again, but last Sunday was just a giant frikkin’ snake straight back to square one.
I’m not really sure what happened. I’ve come to the conclusion it was several out of character things.
Firstly, I don’t deal well to being outside a group. I’m perfectly fine being alone if I’m meant to, but if I’ve been separated, I take it badly. Some of you may know that because I’m a bit rubbish at role-playing, this got integrated into Lilium’s character. However, since then, she’s gotten more willpower. I haven’t.
Secondly, I was an idiot. I forgot the layout and did something I shouldn’t. Being stupid upsets me.
Lastly, I wanted to do something. I wanted to ask the gm if I could do a whole list of things, but I needed to talk to the GM who was way off with the party, not the one who was close and playing an NPC, basically resulting in the choice of doing nothing or death. Another thing that gets me is futility and helplessness. One of the last big cries I had before I started anti-depressants basically involved me rocking back and forth for a few hours going “It’s not going to work, nothing is ever going to work.” I think this took me back to that.
I haven’t cried for two and a half months, since I started antidepressants. Sunday’s game seems to have just wiped that out completely, and I’m struggling with my mood again. Just thinking about it sets me off... This may make it more upsetting than my mum’s attempted suicide or the fact that I’m trying to live on £295 a month and whatever I can get.
Up until the moment I got feared away, I enjoyed the game. I felt I role-played well and I had a lot of fun with some of it (although a little worried I’ve done something wrong as none of the NPCs in the talking encounters seemed to like me).
To those who were worried that some of the banter caused it, I didn’t hear any banter, although I’m sure it was pretty funny really. It’s most definitely not because of that.
Maybe next time I should just stick to my guns when it comes to not wanting to play games. It may mean I never play games, but at least then I’m not ruining it like this.
I hope I’ll be ok for the 36hr, especially as I have an NPC brief.